At first, everything was going great: your date was attentive, caring, and voiced multiple mentions of the “f” word — future. But just as you let your guard down and began allowing yourself to think, maybe this is it, something shifted. Suddenly, your sweetie is hedging about booking that trip for next spring, or even about whether you two should be seeing each other exclusively. What gives? The sad truth is, you’ve been duped by a closet commitment-phobe: someone whothinks he or she is raring for a relationship, but never seems to be able to cross the exclusivity finish line. Could you have avoided the pain of falling for a person incapable of truly loving you back? Yes. Allow us to share the signs that someone, despite visible attempts to appear emotionally available, is actually the owner of a heart that’s closed for business.
Sign #1: Your date has a life — and isn’t letting you into it
Sure, she says she wishes she could spend Saturday with you rather than volunteering at the local animal shelter. Or he says he can’t wait for work to let up so you two can spend more quality time together. No problem, right? This person’s got a life, after all, and that’s not something you should take personally. But Tom, 32, now knows that there are limits to what you should put up with. “I knew Beth had a busy schedule when we met,” the Baltimore attorney insists. “She was a single mom of two girls, had a demanding job, did volunteer work and bowled once a week.” He thought the longer the two of them dated, the looser her schedule would become — “or, at least, that she’d include me in the bowling,” Tom says ruefully. However, nothing changed. Beth continued being “sorry” there wasn’t enough time for him in her life right up until the night she dumped him because — hello! — her life was too full to include a boyfriend.
The moral of the story? If the relationship has become somewhat established and a partner still can’t make you a priority, that sends a clear message: you can stand at the doorway of this date’s life, but you can’t walk in.
Sign #2: Your date’s falling for you too fast
It’s fun to feel someone new is really into you. Still, having a brand-new prospect gush about how wonderful you are before you’ve even ordered dessert on your first date is a little suspect. After all, the two of you are practically strangers. How can he or she know what makes you wonderful yet? More likely, this person’s ardor is being fueled by a love of the chase rather than by you in particular — and once you’re caught, you may see interest waning just as Jean, 24, did. “Tim took me on a romantic weekend to Martha’s Vineyard two weeks after we met,” recalls the Connecticut school teacher. “He kept talking about how he wanted to be with me forever. It sounded like heaven.”
You know the coda to this saga: as soon as Jean began reciprocating her beau’s ardor, his need for her cooled. “I should have listened to my gut,” Jean laments. “But I wanted to believe he was going all out for me because I was special, not just another conquest.” But the bottom line is, when it seems too good to be true, it probably is.
Sign #3: Your date’s falling for you… but there’s a catch
When someone admits to having strong feelings for you, it’s understandable to feel like your insides have turned to mush. Only, in that state, your gut instincts might not pick up on what else your date might be saying when delivering this sweet declaration. Ron, 29, was a victim of this sort of selective listening. “Brenda and I felt a strong attraction right off the bat,” says the New Orleans-based publicist. “She’d say stuff like, ‘I didn’t expect to fall for someone so soon after my divorce.’” Understandably, Ron chose to focus on the first part of her statement (she’s falling for him) versus the latter (given the ink’s barely dry on her divorce papers, she’s probably not ready for a relationship yet). It took some time for the less savory part of the statement to actually sink in. “Even though she kept saying I was wonderful, the bottom line was, she just wasn’t in a psychological place to deal with a relationship,” Ron says. “And I’d have seen that if I hadn’t had blinders on.” In other words, Ron learned the hard way what we hope you will not: that we have to pay attention to the whole message our beloved is sending, not just the part we want to hear.
Sign #4: Your date’s story contains inconsistencies
There’s a reason why cops grill crime suspects over and over, and then compare and contrast what’s said one minute to the next. That’s because these tiny inconsistencies are signs of a cover-up — and this pertains to the lines your date uses on you as well. No, we’re not saying you should give your sweetie the third degree, but any conflicting messages should be duly noted. Debbi, a 27-year-old Boston-based interior designer, struggled for months with a date who was “the king of mixed signals,” she says. “He’d tell me he didn’t know if he’d ever be able to live with someone because he’s used to his own lifestyle. Then he’d follow that statement by asking if I could break my lease and move in with him!” What’s more, Keith was indecisive in other areas of his life, constantly changing his mind about the sofa he wanted to purchase; then once he sprang for it, he came down with buyer’s remorse and yearned for the couch he hadn’t chosen. The bottom line: changeability and indecisiveness doesn’t bode well for a stable romantic future. “Keith couldn’t even pick a spot for us to go on our first date,” Debbi admits. “How I wish I’d been wise enough to make it our last!”
Sign #5: Your date’s all talk and no walk
Closet commitment-phobes give great lip service to the idea that they want a relationship, and it can be easy to trust they’ll put their words into action. But the longer that takes to happen — or, worse, if it doesn’t happen at all — the only thing you should trust is your instinct to get out of there! Lisa, 32, knows this all too well now. “I dated a guy for three years,” she says. “Throughout the relationship, he indicated marriage and children were in our future. But each time I tried to nudge the relationship forward, he backpedaled.” Looking back, the Denver ski instructor realizes that her boyfriend never backed up his promises. For example, while continuing to insist one day he’d invite Lisa to move in, he never actually gave her a key to his condo.
It’s easy to be seduced by pretty words, but unless there’s follow-through in the end, you’re left with nothing to hold onto but an empty promise.
So those are the warning signs of a commitment-phobe to watch for… consider yourself warned and well-armed to avoid the next one that crosses your path.
Sherry Amatenstein is the author of Love Lessons from Bad Breakups. (Source)
— So true </3
It happens to the best of couples: One night you’re happily cozying up on the couch with a pizza and Netflix…then, six Saturday nights later, you’re sick of pepperoni and your sweetie’s sick of your sci-fi obsession. No matter how much you care about someone, falling into predictable patterns is inevitable when you’re constantly spending time together. And while a little familiarity is nice, too much can make once-happy couples feel bored with each other — and possibly itching to get out of the relationship entirely. Most of the time, however, all these couples need is a small change in routine to keep things interesting. “There’s an old saying along the lines of, ‘If you always do what you’ve always done, you’ll always get what you always got,’” says Lisa Daily, author of Stop Getting Dumped! “If you can’t stand the thought of another 36-hour ESPN marathon or another weekend of antiquing, come up with a plan B.” For inspiration, take a tip or two from these couples below who got over the hump and are still happily together.
1. Introduce your mate to your interests
One couple’s case history: “When Aaron and I moved in together after a year of dating, we quickly fell into a routine — I’d come home from work and cook my heart out while he lounged on the couch, mesmerized by baseball. Though I’m a foodie and he’s a sports nut, I felt separated by more than just the kitchen/living room wall. Why couldn’t he learn to appreciate an apple tarte tatin? Shouldn’t I see what was so exciting about watching a Martinez-Smoltz match-up?” says Abby Phillips of Chicago. “So we came up with a plan: Every so often, he’d buy a ticket for me to accompany him to a ball game. In return, I’d take him out to the restaurant of my choice. Now he’s eating pappardelle bolognese, and, though I can’t tell the difference between a breaking ball and a slider, I can name most of the players in the Mets lineup.”
Love lesson learned: Mutual interests, whether it’s a love of dogs or shooting pool, are often what bring a couple together in the first place. But taking interest in your partner’s entire life — including facets you don’t initially take a shine to — is what will keep you together in the long run, says dating coach Liz Kelly, author of SMART Man Hunting. The reason: Whether your partner’s passion is baseball, gourmet food, or some other activity, it’s an opportunity to learn tons about a new topic and, for that matter, what makes your sweetie tick. There’s no way you’ll feel bored with this double-dose of new info and experiences!
2. Daydream about the future together
One couple’s case history: “My partner Dan and I have a lot of shared interests, but there are always times when we find ourselves sitting on the sofa, staring at each other out of sheer boredom,” explains Matt Levinson of New York City. “Lately, when we hit a slump, we grab the newspaper or go online to look for open houses because we both dream of owning a big house upstate, out in the country. And even though we’re not prepared to buy yet, sometimes when we find a listing we like, we’ll take a little road trip for the day to check it out and explore the surrounding towns. House-hunting gives us something new to talk about — how we’d fix up the house, how else we can save up money to buy a place in the future. It might take awhile for our plans to pan out, but it’s fun to dream big together in the meantime.”
Love lesson learned: A relationship that’s static can definitely feel stagnant, but that’s easily fixed by setting some goals together. Just ask yourself (and your partner), “In your wildest dreams, what would the two of us be doing three months/six months/a year down the line?” Then do something small — say, window-shopping for a home, or playing with puppies in a pet store even though you’re not prepared to take one home yet — that keeps you in touch with that dream. Even new couples can adopt a sense of direction. Maybe you both fantasize about flying to Cancun for a long weekend on the beach. Try browsing guidebooks together or set up a “Cancun fund” where you each contribute $20 per paycheck. “Even if your big plan is very far away, taking baby steps together can bring you closer to your goal,” says Daily. “And to each other.”
3. Break some rules
One couple’s case history: “When my long-distance girlfriend and I moved in together, we thought we’d have tons of fun, but it didn’t take long before we got caught up in our work schedules,” says Brenden Smith of Orlando, FL. “One Wednesday night we were both lying around, exhausted, when my girlfriend jumped up, grabbed her bag and announced, ‘Come on, we’re going out!’ We went to a club down the street, and had such a great time that we stayed out until two in the morning! Sure, we were even more exhausted the next day, but I couldn’t stop thinking about how great it felt to ‘break the rules’ and stay out late on a weeknight. Now, whenever we’re feeling trapped by our schedules, we do something spontaneous that we know we shouldn’t really do — say, going out for ice cream sundaes instead of making dinner. It never fails to keep things fun and interesting.”
Love lesson learned: There’s something about rebelling a little that can instantly alleviate tedium — plus it can be a bonding experience for couples, instilling an us-versus-them attitude. So if you think your relationship has been weighed down by what you’re supposed to do lately, ask yourself, “What do I really want to do?” and follow your impulses with your beloved in tow. Go ahead and stick your feet out the window on a road trip, duck out of the office party for a makeout session in the coat room, or stay up until sunrise even when you know you two have a family event the very next day. As long as your actions aren’t illegal or harming anyone, these moments will remind you that your love life can take some interesting twists and turns once you stop caring so much about doing things the “right” way.
4. Plan the unpredictable
One couple’s case history: “Because of our busy schedules, my boyfriend and I usually only see each other on weekends. And while absence (until Friday) makes the heart grow fonder, we often found ourselves going to the same restaurants, watching our favorite TV shows or just having dinner at home,” recalls Renee Edwards of Emmaus, PA. “To spice things up, I suggested that we try planning ‘surprise dates’ for each other. Not only was my boyfriend a good sport about my idea, he totally charmed me by taking me apple-picking last fall. It was exactly the kind of outdoorsy thing I love to do, but would have never thought we’d do together. In return, I surprised him with reservations at a BBQ restaurant I knew he wanted to try. Keeping each other on our toes date-wise reminds us that it’s always important to keep trying, even when you’re in love and comfortable with each other.”
Love lesson learned: Surprises are the cornerstone of keeping a relationship interesting because they show your sweetie that you don’t take anything for granted — and that there’s more to you than meets the eye! So keep an eye out for any opportunity: If your sweetie mentions a play he or she wants to see, buy tickets on the sly and slip them in a pocket or purse with a note saying “You, me, and Shakespeare on Saturday?” Or, just tell your sweetie to keep a certain date clear for you — then don’t explain what you’re doing. The anticipation will keep your honey wondering all week what it could be and add extra zing to your plans, whether it’s reservations at a new restaurant, a night camping in your back yard, or going back to the place where you shared your first kiss. What you’ve planned doesn’t really matter — when it comes to surprises, it’s truly the thought that counts.
5. Escape the ordinary
One couple’s case history: “After starting a new office job, I didn’t have as much time to spend with my husband. Every day seemed to run into the next at warp speed. We were definitely falling into a rut, so he suggested taking a weekend off to go camping. I wasn’t sure what to expect; we hadn’t spent that much time together in months,” says Lisa Price of Traverse City, MI. “As we made the campfire the first night I thought, what are we going to talk about for the next five hours? But it didn’t take long before we found ourselves talking about lots of amazing things (even some big-picture issues). Over that weekend, time finally slowed down and if felt like we were the only people left in the universe. There were no distractions and the conversation flowed like it was a first date that was going really well. We returned home energized and ready to deal with our hectic schedules again — and reminded of the fact that we never have to stop getting to know each other.”
Love lesson learned: “Sometimes it feels like the world will stop spinning if we stop what we’re doing for one minute,” says Daily. “The truth is, it won’t. Life will go on, even if you take a few hours off.” Even if you don’t have an entire weekend for uninterrupted “us” time, take little time-outs to recharge your romance on a regular basis. Daily suggests setting an unbreakable lunch or dinner date every week — mark your calendar, if necessary. Or substitute separate workouts at the gym to take a long walk or hike together — you may be surprised where your conversation leads or what new tidbit you find out about your partner!
Lisa Cericola is a New York City-area writer. When it comes to spicing up a relationship with surprises, she thinks the kind of surprises known as presents work really well. http://yahoo.match.com/y/article.aspx?articleid=5333
Just got home around 30 minutes ago. Since I still can’t sleep, I’ll try to continue working on my software engineering project, which will be presented later this day (pre-oral defense).
I went to his house, wanting to talk and to do my project. I’m comfortable there compare here in our house. He greeted me with a hug. I was able to do a lot though it’s not enough for my professor (I think) and I felt happy. Even though he’s playing Cabal and I’m doing my project. Just being together. But then I had to go home.
I was telling him, that we’re okay. That this could still work. And the pessimistic him says “how about in times that this is not the situation” (roughly translated).
I’m trying to convince him. I’m already saying please. He just told me, we should go get some sleep.
I love him. But I can’t say it cause it might scare him more away.
“You may pretend it never happened. But remember, at one point in your life, that was what you wanted the most. It may not have worked out the way you planned it to, but never forget that it has once made you feel that you were the happiest person on earth.”
Not only you’re not addressing me with my pet name or even my real name and not include me in your plans, do you forget our shared dreams and make them empty promises, strip me of my freedom to express myself and lose my best friend and my happiness at the same time.
Isn’t it enough I can’t feel anything at all, when I’m without you..